2010-02-10T04:39:00.000-08:00

i think army boys should get the seats in train station because we serve for the nation! even though we're strong but we need rest too. otherwise, how we have enough energy to fight for the country! i dislike it most when some of the fugly office ladies complain of not getting seats and how pain their ankles are aftering wearing high heels the whole day. stupid vainpots.

everytime i fall asleep in the train and when i wake up, i'll see a bunch of elderly citizens and young friends standing in front of me, looking at me. it drives me crazy. seriously, it's just a seat, not a pot of gold. if they really are so deprive of a seat or are unable to stand properly, why not sit on the floor? i always do that when i was younger. dont deprive others of their privacy!

anyway i do give up my seat after that. but i wont say,'there you go' if they look at me too hard, i'll just walk away. those who are too shy to stare for a seat, i'll offer my seat nicely to them!! i only get to offer my seat once in a while. singapore has super aunties and uncles who can get the seats within a second when the train doors open. super.

anyway there's a huge diamond in my mouth, so sometimes, i'm quite reluctant to talk. when i talk, that means i really like you, and the diamond is all yours to take.

blah blah blah. whatever.

2010-02-09T03:52:00.001-08:00

today has been a rather nice and cozy day. in a few months time, i'll turn twenty-one. it's a little scary how fast i've grown. in age.

people say, when you're twenty-one, more or less you've form your personality and it will be there to stay. i'm not too sure about it. there're so many things that i want to move on from. to change. to improvise. but when you're twenty-one, you have the responsibility to do everything yourself.

many people do that when they're twenty-one. i'm not too sure if i can do that. or if i want to do that. somehow, i feel short-changed in life. i never seem to have enough of what i want. i keep expecting more from myself.

everyone suffers from setbacks now and then. i think that's what make people grow.

when you're a kid, you dont know the ability of what money can do. you're just happy to get the toys you want and the academic results your parents want. i dont like what money can do, but i like people around me to be happy. when people around me are happy, that makes me quite happy.

i'm not ready for this transition because there're too many things waiting for me to do. no matter how hard i try, things arent done. many times, i change the methods of doing things but i'm still back to square one. even when things are done, they arent as perfect as i wanted them to be. i cant comprehend what went wrong.

sometimes, there's this thing. this very precious thing you like a lot. be it a shiny gem or a hobby. suddenly, you wont want it anymore. it seems to make your life dull. you just need something new. something more exciting. something you deem as better.

after some time, you start thinking of the old precious thing you once had. thinking, was it right to get it out of your life in the first place. and then you start to look at the new precious object and wonder, will this new object ending up like the old one. being thrown away by you. when will this ever end. it's so complicated and tiring as the vicious cycle keeps going on.

there was a period of time i thought looks dont matter anymore. i'll eat and do what's right. looks wont give me or the people around me happiness. even you have big bright eyes, sharp nose, nice pink lips and a set of straight white teeth, they cant provide you food or shelter.

so i told the hairstylist,'cut it short'. and she said,'are you sure? it wont look good?' and i said,'ya it's ok.' that's what the school wanted, so i'll give it to them. short hair.

there's a neverending of people critisizing your looks. i've seen people around me troubling about how bad the look, and how determine they want to look good. when there's slight improvement on their looks, they change. in personality.

patricia mok becomes slightly better looking nowadays, do you really think she's hot. i dont. look at how cocky some people say she is. it's terrible to have a not so hot looks plus a terrible personality.

what if looking ugly can make you a better person, would you want the patricia mok looks or a heart of mother teresa.

there used to be a blog with a tagboard. a tagboard with a comment every second. every comment reflects who i was. then it started saying the same thing over and over again. it becomes meaningless and it got deleted. thinking back, every comment is critical. it somehow tells me what i should do next to be a better person. even though, those people are strangers and they know nothing about me, but they read my blog. they're not only read words typed by me. they're reading my thoughts and feelings.

at least when someone reads my blog, i wont feel so alone. even i'm not alone, but i refuse to speak to people around me as much as i used to.

ever since what's happened.

it's not true that deleting your blog, friendster, msn contact list and everything else that keep you connecting to the world meaning that you can restart your life. all because memories stay. they haunt you day and night. they keep telling you,'dont do this.' 'do that.' 'remember what's happened before?' 'see, we told you.'

even when you wake up the next day telling yourself, everything's going to start afresh. it never happens. as long a person mention a word that's connected to the past, it seems to shaken your wholw world. all over again. images flash through your mind. as days go by, you're living the old world again. it's carved deep in your heart.

trying to have a face off with the memories dont work well too. memories run. they hide. they appear when you dont want them to.

putting on the nicest smile with a most broken heart is painful. then you decided to mess everything up. pulling out the bleeding heart out from the nicest smile. nasty and awful scene. blood sputtering out of everyone's nicest smile.

K E R O